What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 14:31
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I write beautiful poetry .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were not on the streets..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Does pressing a girls boobs hurt?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was seconnd youngest,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I will be 64.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was scared of men, in general
She wouldn,t have been !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Would this be the day?
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?